I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
