the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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