I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
