i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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