The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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