I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
