You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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