I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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