U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
