My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he thought i was a dude.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
