The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
