i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
