dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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