I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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