I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
