Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
