Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
