Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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