So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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