ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
