When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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