oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I supernannyed him into submission
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
