took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
