I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
