my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
