be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
