I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
