Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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