you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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