I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
