Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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