okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
