All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
