Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
