Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
