fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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