I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
