He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
