My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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