if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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