How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
