so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
