i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
