Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
