My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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