Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
