the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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