i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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