Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
