I heard we made out
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
