We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
